


Screw Poetry, It's You I Want

by intertwiningsouls



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Secret Admirer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-13 09:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12981447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningsouls/pseuds/intertwiningsouls
Summary: Adam tries to navigate a crush on his best friend, his first time having a group of friends during the holidays, and the mysterious notes that keep showing up in his locker.[on hiatus]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yukiawison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiawison/gifts).



> this is my trc exchange gift for allison! :) i hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> title from "late night" by margaret atwood.

 

Adam’s locker swung open with a bang. He had stayed after class to talk with a teacher about an upcoming assignment, and now he was going to be late for his shift at the garage if he didn’t hurry. He pulled out his carefully folded winter jacket and quickly tucked it under his arm.

Behind him, a steady stream of chattering students made their way to the double doors at the end of the hall, excited to be free of classes for the day. The flow of people exiting the building was so steady that the doors were hardly allowed to fall shut, and the resulting breeze had already made its way to Adam’s locker. He wished he could wear his too-small jacket around the other students without feeling self-conscious, but it was hard to ignore their sideways glances at his exposed wrists. Instead, he shrugged his hoodie a little higher on his shoulders and ducked his head against the chill as he sorted through the textbooks he would need over the weekend.

When he pulled the last textbook out of his locker, a small scrap of paper slipped out and drifted to the ground. He bent down to pick it up, and right away it was clear that it hadn’t come from his homework. The unfamiliar handwriting was somehow elegant and messy at the same time, in a script that looked like it had once been practiced and delicate, but had since grown careless. The note had clearly been ripped haphazardly out of a notebook, the ragged edges nearly cutting into the hastily scribbled phrase.

 

_oculi tuus astra luculentissima caeli sunt_

 

Adam stared at the writing, forgetting for a moment that he was in a hurry. He recognized the writing as Latin right away, but the only word he could identify was _eyes_ and that wasn’t enough to ease the nervous feeling settling in his stomach. He didn’t know of anyone at Aglionby High who studied Latin. It could have been another one of Gansey’s scavenger hunts, but he was always relying on Ronan’s help just to get through Spanish class, so Adam doubted it. The note could just as easily be some kind of threat.

Adam briefly considered stopping by the school library to type the phrase into one of the computers for a quick translation, but a glance down at his watch pushed that thought from his mind. He was going to be late to work if he didn't leave right away.

His locker door creaked. "Hey, Parrish. Gansey's doing New Year’s Eve at Monmouth, you in?"

Adam looked up to see his best friend, Ronan Lynch, leaning casually on his locker door. Ronan's eyes flitted down to the note in Adam's hand before coming back up to search his face intently. Even if Adam wasn't already in a hurry, Ronan's unflinching stare would have set his heart racing.

Adam's mind filled with thoughts of spending New Year’s Eve together. He remembered Noah’s stories about midnight kisses from previous years, and for a moment he got lost in impossible scenarios involving his mouth on Ronan's.

The same Ronan who was standing directly in front of him, staring at him like he was trying to read his mind.

Shit.

Adam grabbed the locker door out from under Ronan’s arms and shut it with more force than necessary.

He could feel his cheeks flush hot with embarrassment as he ducked his head to check his watch. He hoped Ronan would only see _I'm in a hurry,_ and not _I'm thinking about kissing you,_ but his best friend always seemed to know what was going on in his head. He sucked in a breath and said, “I’m off New Year’s Eve, so that should be fine. I gotta go, though, or I’m gonna be late.”

He shrugged his backpack onto one shoulder and turned to make a beeline for the exit.

When he reached the doors, he glanced over his shoulder to see Ronan still leaning against the lockers, arms crossed over his chest, looking after him with a strange expression on his face.

Adam filed it away as another thing to think about when he had more time. He lifted his hand in a small wave, then stepped out into the cold.

 

__________

 

That night as he finished up his work at the garage, Adam found himself preoccupied with thoughts of the note from his locker. He told himself over and over that it was probably nothing, and kept reminding himself that he didn't even know if it was actually intended for him, but it had presented itself as a puzzle and now he wasn’t going to be able to rest until he solved it.

 

_**adam:** You don’t happen to know any Latin, do you?_

_**ronan:** who do you think i am_  
_i study it all the time_

_**adam:** Hey, it was worth a shot._  
_Can I come over and use your internet? I got a strange note in my locker today._

_**ronan:** is that why you were acting all weird_

 

Adam sucked in a breath. So Ronan _had_ noticed how he had turned into a stammering, blushing mess when he’d shown up out of nowhere and surprised him like that. Cool. He knew that it hadn’t been the first time it had happened, and, knowing Ronan's tendency to crowd his personal space, it probably wouldn’t be the last. He really needed to get his feelings under control before they betrayed him in some way he wouldn't be able to come back from.

At least this time he could try to play it off as the note’s fault.

 

**_adam:_ ** _I just don’t understand it, that's all. Why Latin?_

**_ronan:_ ** _¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

**_adam:_ ** _Always so helpful.  
_ _So is it okay if I stop by in a minute?_

**_ronan:_ ** _knock yourself out_

 

__________

 

There was only one car in the parking lot when Adam arrived at Monmouth, so he was more disappointed than surprised when it was Gansey who came to the door.

“Where’s Ronan?” It was out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

Gansey laughed and stepped back to let Adam in. “Nice to see you, too.”

Adam rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Sorry, I was just texting him a minute ago and thought he’d be here.”

Gansey had already turned to walk back towards the corner of his massive living space that functioned as a family room. He stretched like he’d just been woken up from a nap and let out a loud, drawn-out yawn. “He hightailed it out of here a minute ago. Said something about a one-on-one with Matthew.”

Matthew Lynch was the fourth roommate in Gansey’s expansive apartment, and one of the best players on Aglionby High’s junior varsity basketball team. Ronan was always spending time with his younger brother, working out or playing pickup games whenever Matthew didn't have official practice.

Adam knew it was Ronan’s way of giving Matthew something positive to put his energy into after they’d lost both of their parents, so he did his best to reign in his disappointment at not getting to see him tonight.

Gansey sat on one of the large couches and propped his feet up on the low coffee table, then pulled his laptop onto his lap and pried it open. He looked up at Adam expectantly and said, “Ronan said you needed to do some research?”

 

__________

 

If there was ever a place where time stood still for Adam, it was Monmouth Manufacturing. Hours passed without Adam giving a single thought to all of the things that usually occupied his mind. Gansey filled that space to overflowing with talk of magic, purpose, and the future.

When Adam had first met Gansey, he had only been able to see the chasm between their outward circumstances, but after their first real conversation, he had discovered that he and Gansey shared a similar inner ache for something more. Now Gansey was the first person Adam turned to when he had questions that didn't have answers, and together they would follow the thought trails that always appeared when you simply asked _what if?_

Tonight, however, Adam had a question with a fairly simple answer, and it only took a few minutes of searching online to find it.

A flush settled on Adam’s cheeks when he read the words displayed on the screen.

 

_Your eyes are the fairest stars of heaven._

 

Gansey leaned in close to read the computer screen for himself, then whispered, “Oh my God, you have a secret admirer.”

Adam snorted a laugh and began to speak, but Gansey interrupted. “I’m serious, Adam! This is amazing.” He sounded like he did whenever he found another piece of proof that magic existed.

Adam groaned inwardly and replied, “It’s not a _secret admirer,_ Gansey. It’s just a note.”

“A note clearly left by a secret admirer!”

Gansey’s puppy-like eagerness was enough to extinguish any of Adam’s own excitement and replace it with embarrassment. He sighed, “Come on, this was clearly a mistake. Can we talk about something else?”

 

__________

 

Gansey sat on the floor of his strange kitchen-laundry-bathroom, his back resting up against the old refrigerator and an empty coffee mug cradled in both hands. Adam took up what little counter space there was, leaning back with his head resting against the cupboard behind him.

Their conversation had died down into a lazy exchange of topics they’d covered several times before, but Adam found the quiet comforting instead of boring.

There was a peaceful stretch of silence, and Adam was about to ask Gansey how things were going with Blue when the kitchen door swung open and hit the wall with a bang.

Ronan stood in the doorway, covered head to toe in a sheen of sweat, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers that hung low on his hips.

Only when he noticed the towel slung over his shoulder did Adam remember that this kitchen was also technically Ronan’s bathroom. His skin flushed hot.

Ronan’s eyes grew wide when he caught sight of Adam perched on the counter, and then his face settled into a smirk. He turned away to reach into the shower and turn on the water, but Adam knew he had already seen the look on his face. This was the second time in one day that Ronan had caught him wearing this furious blush, his mouth opened in dumb surprise, his eyes wide with an expression that probably shouted _I can’t think straight when you look like this._

Only this time it was worse, because this time every muscle in Ronan’s body was on display, and now he was proudly strutting across the kitchen-laundry-bathroom like he damn well knew it.

He passed Adam silently, doing a shit job of holding back his smirk, and then he opened the refrigerator door and scooted Gansey a few inches across the floor like it was nothing. Gansey merely sighed, and Adam got the distinct impression that this was a common occurrence around here.

When Ronan found what he was looking for in the fridge, he let the door fall shut and headed back toward the shower without a word. Just as he passed Adam, he cracked open his can of soda and took a giant swig.

Adam was unfairly faced with the sight of a single bead of sweat trailing down Ronan’s throat and sliding into the dip between his collarbones. Adam’s entire body screamed _touch._ His grip tightened on the countertop and a self-deprecating laugh started building in his chest. Just a few short months ago he had been convinced that his preoccupation with his best friend had everything to do with the Ronan’s confidence, his fearlessness, the way he embodied so many of the things Adam desperately wanted to be. Only recently had Adam realized that his infatuation with Ronan actually had a lot more to do with the fact that he desperately wanted to touch his stupid abs.

The laugh died in Adam's throat when Ronan stepped up to the steaming shower and, holding his can of soda with only his mouth, reached for the waistband of his boxers with both hands.

Adam’s eyes shot to Gansey in panic, but Gansey only rolled his eyes in response, further confirming that this was, in fact, a regular occurrence.

Gansey at least had the decency to sense Adam’s discomfort and cleared his throat. “So, Adam,” he began, his voice louder so Adam could hear him over the sound of the running water, “Have you thought of any possible suspects for your secret admirer yet?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Now it was Adam’s turn to roll his eyes. They were going to have this conversation again, apparently. His accent slipped out with his exasperation. “God, Gansey. It was just one note. I really don’t think it’s a secret admirer.”

Gansey shot him a pointed look. “It compared your eyes to the stars, Adam. The _stars._ It was the most romantic thing I’ve read all week. Just admit it, someone at school has a massive crush on you.”

Adam shifted his weight and folded his arms across his chest. “You have no way of knowing it was actually intended for me,” he insisted stubbornly. “Whoever wrote it could have gotten the wrong locker by mistake. Tad Carruthers has the one right above mine, and everyone and their mother has a crush on _him."_

A laugh that sounded too much like a cough came from the shower, and Ronan's voice floated out with the rising steam. “Thanks for making me gag on my Coke, asshole. No reasonable person has a crush on Tad Carruthers.”

Adam huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, well, reasonable people don't take beverages into the shower, either, weird-ass. And sure, he’s kind of obnoxious, but you have to admit he _does_ have pretty eyes.”

Ronan snorted and muttered, “Yours are better,” then fell abruptly silent.

Adam and Gansey shared a questioning look, and then Gansey shrugged and smiled in agreement. “They _are_ better.”

 

__________

 

That night when Adam got home from Monmouth, he went straight to his bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. He studied his eyes, trying to see what someone else might see in them, but they were just a dull blue surrounded by dusty eyelashes and weighed down by dark circles. They looked worried and worn out, not _beautiful._ He supposed the color was nice enough, though, and when he smiled at himself in the mirror, it softened his eyes into something kinder, something he had created himself rather than inherited. He felt a hint of pride at the thought. He wasn’t conventionally attractive, he knew, but maybe there was more to it than that.

Later that night as he lay in bed, Adam found himself turning the slip of paper over in his hands, running his thumb along the words in the dark. He knew it must have been a mistake, a message meant for someone else, but the fraction of a possibility that someone could think of him that way made him restless. His mind wandered, taking him back to Ronan’s heavy stare earlier that day at school, and his sideways glance and wicked smirk that evening.

He fell asleep thinking that if anyone deserved a note about how beautiful their eyes were, it was Ronan Lynch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a big thank you to tumblr user @nueps for betaing this chapter and for helping me with translations!


	2. Chapter 2

Gansey had spread the news of Adam’s “secret admirer” to the rest of his friends over the weekend, which was how Adam found himself surrounded on Monday afternoon as he made his way to his locker after school.

Ronan and Noah always met up with him after class, but when Gansey and Henry joined them and followed him down the hallway in silence, Adam knew something was up.

When he reached his locker, all eyes were on him. Even Tad Carruthers, who was closing up his locker above Adam's, looked at him with a raised eyebrow before winking and turning away with a smile.

All of the attention made Adam flush with embarrassment. He briefly considered making up an excuse for why he didn’t need to open his locker today, in case his friends' assumptions were right and he _was_ going to receive another note... but that would be stupid because they had already walked all the way there. Besides, even if he did receive another note, it would most likely be in Latin again. The idea of expressing one’s romantic feelings in code suddenly seemed remarkably clever.

Adam took a deep breath and carefully opened his locker door. Sure enough, resting on top of his folded jacket was another scrap of paper, this time folded over itself several times. He quickly reached for it and slipped it into his pocket before tucking his jacket under his arm. When he looked up, Ronan, Noah, Gansey, and Henry were all staring at him expectantly.

Henry was the first to speak. “Well? What does it say?”

Gansey’s eyebrows were pulled together in confusion. “Aren’t you going to look at it?”

Ronan chewed on his lower lip and looked away, bored already.

Noah grinned but didn’t say anything.

Adam shrugged the strap of his backpack higher on his shoulder and tried to sound disinterested. “It’s not like I’ll be able to understand it.”

Gansey and Henry exchanged tired looks, and Gansey muttered, “I feel so bad for this secret admirer.” Henry hummed in agreement and said, “He’s not even playing, he’s just hard to get.”

When Adam's expression remained blank and he made no move to retrieve the note from his pocket, they let out a collective sigh and said their goodbyes, promising to meet up at Nino's later. Ronan and Noah followed, quieter than usual.

Adam knew he was disappointing his friends by not sharing the potentially juicy details of this secret note, but this was starting to feel like something he wanted to keep to himself until he could figure it out.

As soon as he was alone, he turned and walked down the long hallway towards the library. His steps picked up speed until he found himself in front of a computer facing away from the handful of people still working at nearby tables. He glanced around nervously before pulling up the website dedicated to Latin translations that Gansey had shown him a few days before.

With trembling fingers, he fished the folded note out of his pocket and flattened it carefully against the desk. A thrill ran through him when he saw  _ADAM_ printed across the top in bold letters. Underneath, there was the same shy, hasty cursive script as before, rendering the Latin words almost illegible. He slowly picked each word apart and typed the phrase into the computer.

The moment he pressed enter, Noah’s triumphant voice sounded behind him. “I had a feeling I’d find you in here!”

Adam could hear the smug smile in his voice, and then a pair of hands came to rest on his shoulders and Noah’s face leaned in to rest against his. He made a curious humming noise beside Adam’s ear and Adam’s attention snapped back to the computer in front of him.

His stomach did a strange flip when he saw the words displayed on the screen. 

 

_I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck._

 

Noah gave his shoulders a squeeze and leaned back to laugh softly. He let out a whistle and said, “Well, I didn’t know it was like _that_ ,” and then he was walking away, laughing to himself in a way that was all at once self-satisfied and full of mischief.

Adam shook his head. It was just like Noah to make some cryptic comment and then disappear entirely before you could ask him any questions. He just hoped he wouldn’t tell Gansey what the note said. He could practically hear Gansey's  _I told you so._

Adam buried his head in his hands and tried to focus his thoughts. Gansey wasright, somebody out there really did have those kinds of romantic feelings towards him.

Nothing about it made sense, but a nervous, fluttering feeling started in his stomach and worked its way up until he had to rub a thumb across his lips to keep from smiling.

 

__________

 

 

Every day that week, Adam found a new note tucked into his locker.

Each message was sweet in a slightly different way and Adam found himself looking forward to the end of the school day when he could read the latest note. Receiving sweet sentiments crafted especially for him was exciting, even if it was a little unsettling to not know who was writing them.

All week, he hadn't been able to shake the curious feeling he got every time Ronan looked at him a little bit longer or smiled at him a little bit softer, but he knew it was foolish to think that any of it could mean Ronan that was the one leaving romantic notes in his locker every day.

Earlier in the week, Ronan had joked, "What if it's Tad? You’d love that, wouldn’t you?" and Adam had felt a sting of rejection and annoyance run through him.

While Tad was objectively one of the best looking boys in the whole school, his problem was that he knew it. He seemed to think that his good looks were such a significant positive trait that they excused him from the responsibility of developing any others. On top of that, Adam could never tell if he was flirting or making fun of him. Both options made him equally uncomfortable so he tried to keep their interactions as brief as possible.

Ronan normally spent as much of the school day as possible by Adam's side, which was usually more than enough to keep Tad away, but on the last day of school, Ronan wasn't in any of his classes.

Adam tried his best to pay attention during the classes they usually shared, but he quickly discovered that Ronan’s absence was somehow even more distracting than his presence. As much as he hated school, Ronan had hardly missed a day since Matthew had started as a freshman, and now his sudden absence felt wrong.

It was even more strange to see Noah Czerny standing alone at Adam's locker after school, making small talk with Tad Carruthers. Adam couldn't remember ever seeing the two of them interact before, but apparently, Ronan's presence normally served as Noah's protection, too.

When Adam reached his locker, Noah looked almost startled to be caught with Tad, and shoved his hands into his pockets with a sheepish smile. Tad looked particularly pleased to see him, but Adam ignored him in favor of turning to Noah and quietly asking, "Where's Ronan?"

Noah cleared his throat and quickly said, "He's sick."

It looked like he was going to say more, so Adam waited.

Instead, Noah suddenly raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, gotta go! Bye!" and took off on a brisk walk down the hallway, leaving Adam in a confused, awkward silence with Tad Carruthers.

Adam held his breath. An awkward silence was better than an awkward conversation, but it wasn't likely that Tad would let him off the hook so easily.

"Got any fun plans for Christmas break?" Tad asked, reaching up to pull a folder out of his locker, unaware of the fact that he was blocking Adam's access to his own locker.

Adam had six different replies queued up and ready to go, but he waited.

Tad continued without missing a beat. "I'm getting out of this dump, that's for sure. Nothing like spending Christmas day on the beach! The sun on your skin, sand between your toes," he closed his eyes and sighed happily. "You should try it sometime."

Adam chewed on his lower lip and waited again. If this was anything like his past conversations with Tad, this is where he would make an unrelated, vaguely condescending comment, clap Adam on the shoulder, leave his hand there too long, and then finally leave with a painfully cheesy farewell.

Instead, Tad stepped closer and searched for Adam's eyes. His singular gaze was nothing short of unsettling and as soon as he stepped out of Adam’s way to lean against the lockers, Adam busied himself with his combination.

Beside him, Tad cleared his throat and finally started in on a clearly rehearsed speech. "Hey, I'm throwing a New Year's Eve party, and I would really like it if you came. We can hang out and get to know each other better." It simultaneously sounded like a question and a demand. "I'll text you the info."

Adam looked up to ask how Tad even had his phone number, but Tad was already on his way out, making a clicking sound with his mouth and shooting finger guns at Adam. Adam had never seen anyone besides Noah and Ronan do that when they were slap-happy late at night, but Tad looked completely serious. Adam was sure he was leaving teeth marks from chewing on his lip so hard.

Tad was gone before Adam could even think to tell him that he already had plans for New Year's Eve, but maybe if he was lucky Tad would forget he had even asked.

Unless…

Adam turned back to his locker with a knot of dread growing in the pit of his stomach.

Tad had been waiting by their lockers every day this week. He had been there before Adam every time, and he had recently developed an unsettling habit of trying to make too much eye contact while Adam fished around for his belongings.

Adam swung open his locker door and his heart sank when he saw it. Another note.

Suddenly, the whole thing lost its appeal.

He knew it couldn't have been Ronan for so many reasons, but he realized now that it hadn't kept him from holding onto the idea. He knew now that he had been reading every note in Ronan's voice, hoping that every message was a secret thought that lived somewhere inside of Ronan's mind.

Heat crawled up the back of Adam's neck and he blinked furiously to clear the stinging feeling in his eyes.

Even subconsciously entertaining the possibility that Ronan might want him had given him such a high that coming back to any other reality was sure to be disappointing, but now that he knew for sure where the notes had really been coming from, he felt downright sick.

He didn't even know if the churning feeling in his stomach was more from the fact that Tad Carruthers had written the words, "I want to kiss your neck," or from the fact that Ronan hadn't, but whatever this was, he needed to push it down and get it under control before it consumed him.

 

__________

 

 _ **adam:** Hey Sickie..._  
_You missed an interesting day at school._

_**ronan:** somehow i doubt that_

_**adam:** Got another note._  
_Think I know who it's from._

_**ronan:** yeah? _

_**adam:** Yeah. :/ _

_**ronan:** so... not a good thing? _

_**adam:** I think it's Tad. _

_**ronan:** ok..._  
_so... not a good thing?_  
_i thought you said he was pretty?_

 _ **adam:** Oh my God, Ronan._  
_For the last time, I don't have a thing for Tad._  
_People can be pretty and be assholes at the same time._  
_Take you, for example._

 _ **ronan:** ok wow kick me while im down why dont you_  
_wait_  
_you think im pretty???_

_**adam:** Not the point. _

_**adam:** By the way, I’m coming over._  
_Be there in 10._

 

__________

 

 

Adam found Ronan sprawled out on the largest couch in Monmouth’s family room, which was less a room and more a collection of mismatched furniture thrown together in one corner of Gansey’s massive living area. Couches and recliners were arranged loosely around a low coffee table, all angled towards the large TV in the corner of the room.

Ronan didn’t look up when Adam stopped behind him and folded his arms on the back of the couch. His attention was on the video game playing out on the TV, his eyes flitting across the screen as his thumbs made jerky movements with the controller in his hands. Adam took the opportunity to look him over. His skin looked warm and flushed, his lips were cracked and dry, and he had traded his usual ripped skinny jeans and tight muscle shirt for a pair of grey sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. His phone lay forgotten on his chest and Adam hid a smile at the knowledge that, as much as Ronan talked about hating his phone, he had probably interrupted his video game several times just to text him back about something stupid and inconsequential.

With a surge of fondness, Adam looked down at Ronan and wished that his best friend didn’t have to be sick today; mostly because he hated to see him feeling poorly, but a small part of him also wished that he had been at school just so he could keep pretending the mysterious, sweet notes were from him.

He tried to shake that thought from his mind as he straightened and walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with cold water. When he returned, he stood in front of the couch and knocked at Ronan’s legs until Ronan grunted and swung them off the couch.

Adam sat down next to him and held out the glass of water. “Drink,” he ordered.

Ronan must have been really sick because he took the glass without arguing and began to drink.

After downing the whole thing, he set the empty glass down on the coffee table along with his phone and fell back on the couch. Adam reached out his arm and put his wrist up to Ronan’s forehead. He felt warm to Adam, but Ronan shivered at the touch.

Adam said, "You look like shit."

“Thanks, you too,” muttered Ronan dryly.

Adam rolled his eyes and leaned back, settling into the couch with his shoulder pressed up against Ronan’s, and then Ronan handed him another controller and started another game.

Ronan lacked the energy to make fun of Adam's poor gaming skills, and Adam was too content to want to disrupt the peace and quiet, so they played in comfortable silence for a long while. Eventually, though, the silence started to feel suspicious and Adam asked, “Where’s Gansey?”

Ronan’s voice croaked a little when he spoke. “Date.”

Adam wanted to ask if Gansey knew how sick Ronan was, but he knew that if he did, he would be in the kitchen making chicken noodle soup and hovering over Ronan like a worried mother hen. It was probably intentional that Gansey didn’t know.

“What about Noah and Matthew?”

“Matthew has practice, Noah’s babysitting his niece. Think I'll live, though.” A yawn derailed Ronan's attempt at sounding sarcastic. “You don’t have to stay.”

Adam grinned. “I’m just here to beat you at this dumb game while you’re at less than optimal performance.”

“Yeah, and how’s that working out for you?” Ronan gave Adam’s shoulder a weak nudge, his eyes still fixed on the TV screen.

Although he clearly felt like shit, Ronan was still a hundred times better at this game than Adam, and that was made clear when he won yet again.

Adam dropped the controller in his lap and stretched his arms above his head with a lazy yawn. “It’s not going very well,” he admitted plainly.

Ronan snickered and then dissolved into a coughing fit. He groaned and slowly lifted himself off the couch, then tossed the TV remote in Adam’s lap before mumbling, “If you’re gonna stay, pick a movie. I’m too tired to play anymore.”

While Ronan was in the bathroom, Adam scrolled through countless movie titles. The action movies all sounded like they would be headache-inducing, and he’d gotten the impression that Ronan wasn’t exactly up to laughing at comedies right now, so he settled on a drama that looked neutral enough.

Ronan came shuffling back to the couch with a giant blanket in his arms. He sank onto the couch beside Adam and looked blankly at the screen for a moment. He muttered something that sounded like, “boring,” and then he laid down, put his head in Adam’s lap, and weakly tried to spread the heavy blanket over himself. Adam froze at the sudden contact but quickly took pity and helped stretch the blanket across his legs.

Ronan curled up against Adam and let out a sigh that almost sounded content. He closed his eyes right away and after a few minutes his raspy breathing evened out into a slow and steady rhythm.

At first, Adam sat in silence, his body rigid with uncertainty, but ever so slowly a comforting warmth spread through him until he gave in and melted into the feeling of Ronan resting against him.

His fingers ghosted a featherlight touch along Ronan’s forehead to check for a fever again. His gaze lingered on the side of Ronan’s face and he distantly wondered what it would feel like to press a kiss to the place where his jaw met his neck. His thumb stroked the spot absently and time quietly slipped away into nothing.

Until Ronan rasped out a whisper, his voice nearly breaking, “So you think I’m pretty, huh?”

Adam’s hand startled away, but after he processed what Ronan had said he let out a quiet laugh. It was strange to hear such a teasing, sarcastic question come out in Ronan's small, sick voice. It reminded him that Ronan probably wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning, and he wondered what he had to lose by telling the truth. Maybe it would relieve some of the uncomfortable tension in his chest. Maybe if he let this one secret go, he could begin to get past the rest somehow.

He sucked in a steadying breath and murmured, "Yes."

It felt like more of a confession than it really was.

Ronan used all of his strength to turn his head and glance curiously up at Adam’s expression, then he let his head fall back and shut his eyes. After a moment, it sounded like he was trying to speak again, but his voice was muffled by drowsiness and it was impossible to make out the words.

Adam let out a fond laugh and sighed, “Go to sleep, asshole.”


	3. Chapter 3

On Christmas morning, Adam was awakened by the sound of his cell phone falling off of his makeshift nightstand and inching across the floor in a long pattern of obnoxious buzzing.

He squinted against the bright light streaming in through his window and leaned off his mattress to reach for his phone. He fumbled with it twice in his haste to pick it up and then answered without looking at the screen. “Hello?”

“Adam?” asked a bright voice on the other end.

Adam rubbed the palm of his free hand at his eyes and blinked, trying to place the familiar voice. “Yeah?”

“Merry Christmas! Hey, do you wanna hang out with us today?” There was a muffled noise and then the voice added, “Oh yeah, I forgot, it’s Matthew! We already opened gifts and Declan’s not coming until tomorrow, so we were wondering if you wanted to hang out.”

Adam hadn’t thought about making plans for Christmas. He knew Gansey, Blue, Henry, and Noah were all traveling out of town to visit their families over the holiday, and they had all agreed to exchange gifts when they got together on New Year’s Eve, so he had just expected Christmas Day to be a quiet day off, spent alone in his apartment.

Adam worried at his lower lip. He hadn’t seen Ronan since he’d been sick the week before. School had let out for winter break and Adam had picked up extra shifts at the garage to make up for the ones he would miss during the holidays. He had told himself that he had just been too busy to spend any time with Ronan, but he knew that wasn't entirely true.

He just hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the way Ronan had been acting around him for the past few months. Ronan was always so comfortable with his teasing comments, his lingering glances, and worst of all, his casual touches. It hadn’t ever been a problem before, but all of things that had fueled Adam’s deliriously happy daydreams last week were now the things that made his chest feel tight.

The smart thing to do would be to avoid seeing Ronan until he could get a grip on his out-of-control feelings.

But as long as he could manage to act normal for one day and not spit out any more confessions, it _would_ be nice to spend Christmas with Ronan and Matthew. Adam shut his eyes and exhaled softly before answering. “Sure, Matthew. That sounds nice.”

Matthew’s smile was obvious even over the phone. “Sweet! We’ll be there to pick you up in like five minutes.”

Adam’s eyes flew open. “Matthew,” he began slowly, “were you and Ronan already on your way here when you called?”

“Maybe,” Matthew dragged the word out and then giggled. “Ronan said you’d have nothing better to do. _Ow!"_

Adam shook his head and laughed to himself. “Well, thanks for the heads up. I need to get dressed. I’ll see you guys in a minute.”

After he ended the call, Adam sat and stared at his phone, willing his hands to stop trembling. He hadn’t even seen Ronan yet, and already his foolish heart was jumping out of his chest.

Reining in his feelings was going to be a lot harder than he thought. 

  
 

__________

 

 

Five minutes later, Adam slid into the passenger seat of Ronan’s charcoal grey BMW. He took one look at Ronan and raised an eyebrow, careful to lace his voice with sarcasm. “Well, don’t you look nice.”

Ronan was wearing a dark grey sweater. It looked like cashmere. It looked _soft._

Ronan turned away, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. He said, “So I’ve been told.”

Adam fumbled for a reply, but before he could figure out if Ronan was referencing how he’d called him pretty last week, Matthew leaned forward between the seats and rubbed his hand up and down the sleeve of Ronan’s sweater. “Isn’t it nice? I got it for him for Christmas. It’s so soft and Ronan’s a baby about his clothes so I figured it was perfect. You have to feel it!”

Adam had been friends with Matthew Lynch long enough to know that turning him down was a near-impossible feat, and he knew if he argued it would only draw more attention to the blush forming on his cheeks. He swallowed thickly and reached his hand out to run his knuckles clumsily along Ronan’s forearm.

Ronan shifted the car into gear and then they were peeling out of the parking lot. “Jesus Christ, if you guys wanted to go to a petting zoo for Christmas, all you had to do was ask. I thought we were doing waffles.”

In the backseat, Matthew let out an excited, drawn-out sigh. “Waffles.”

When Adam shot him a questioning look, Matthew quickly explained that waffles were a Christmas Day tradition for the Lynch brothers. He started at the beginning, though he skipped roughly through the part where he described sharing homemade waffles around the dining room table as a family, then went on to tell Adam in great detail how Declan and Ronan had turned it into a competition a few years ago, and how Declan had won even though he threw up afterward. He grinned proudly when he said, “I won last year and I didn’t even throw up.”

A little while later, when they were seated at the restaurant with their menus in hand, Adam realized that Matthew hadn’t been exaggerating. His blonde curls hung down in front of his eyes as he leaned forward to scan the menu intently with Ronan, and the two of them spent several minutes listing off every topping that sounded even a little bit good, bouncing ideas off of each other until they made up their minds about what to choose. Matthew counted their choices to make sure that they both had the right amount, and then he turned to Adam and asked, “What are you getting?”

“Um, waffles?” After all that, Adam wasn’t sure he was allowed to get anything else.

“No, like what toppings? We’re up to ten toppings each this year, so you have to pick ten, and then whoever finishes their plate first wins.”

Adam stared at Matthew, and then at Ronan. “Is he serious?”

Ronan tried to hide his grin. “It’s tradition,” he shrugged.

  
 

__________

 

 

After the waiter brought out their plates of ridiculously decorated waffles, Matthew ceremoniously counted to three and then he and Ronan dug in like they hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks.

At first, Adam had intended to race them but as soon as he took his first bite he forgot all about hurrying. The warm, crisp waffles were layered with fruit and drizzled with chocolate, and heaps of vanilla ice cream were already beginning to melt in streams down the towering stack.

The sounds of Matthew’s choked laughter and Ronan’s muffled shit-talking faded into the background as he ate slowly, savoring each bite.

  
 

__________

 

 

Later, as Matthew stretched out in the booth with his hand resting on his stomach, he let out a satisfied groan and turned to Adam. “This has to be the best tradition in the universe. What’s your favorite Christmas tradition, Adam?”

Adam glanced at Ronan in time to see his jaw clench. He sent him a small smile as if to say, _it’s okay._ To Matthew, he said, “I think you're right. Christmas waffles might be my new favorite tradition.”

Matthew brightened more than Adam thought was possible and said, “You’ll have to come with us again next year then!”

Adam knew it was a genuine invitation because everything about Matthew was genuine, and he warmed at the thought of still being wanted here a year from now. His past Christmases hadn’t all been terrible, sometimes no worse than a normal day, and on a few rare occasions they had actually been sort of decent, but he couldn’t remember ever having one where he felt _wanted._ He cherished the invitation, even if it was from the younger brother of the boy he had a massive, searing crush on and not from the boy himself.

Ronan’s foot knocked against Adam’s under the table. He nodded his head at Adam’s half-full plate and scoffed, “Maybe next year you won’t finish in last place.”

Matthew laughed and gladly began rubbing it in Ronan’s face that he had just won for the second year in a row, but he was interrupted when his phone vibrated on the table. He turned his attention to his text messages for a moment, and when he looked back up, his face was hopeful. “Jamie just asked if I can go to the movies. Can I?”

Adam couldn’t imagine Ronan saying no when Matthew looked so close to one of his radiant, overly-excited smiles.

After a moment Ronan said, “When, today? Who else is going to be there?”

Matthew scrolled through his messages and answered like he was reading off a list. “His dad and his brothers. It starts in an hour. He said I could spend the day at his house afterward because he got a new game and they’re gonna do a big dinner and his parents already said I could sleep over." He looked up at Ronan again with wide, pleading eyes. "Please?”

Ronan looked like he was debating it internally for a moment, then he let out a heavy, overly-dramatic sigh. A hint of a smile hid in the corners of his mouth. “Fine, if you want to leave your favorite brother alone on Christmas, go ahead.”

Matthew’s face lit up, and he somehow managed to roll his eyes despite his face-splitting grin. He said, “You’re not alone, you have _Adam._ ” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He said it like Adam was enough.

Adam ducked his head and poked at his waffles with his fork, waiting for Ronan to argue. After a beat of silence, he cast a quick glance up at Ronan only to find that he had leaned back in his seat like he had accepted defeat. When he spoke, it came out like a softer version of his earlier sigh. “Yeah, yeah, I have Adam," he rolled his eyes. "Go have fun with your friends.”

This time it was Adam’s foot that nudged Ronan’s under the table. He wasn’t sure why he did it, but he couldn’t help but notice the hint of pink that crept onto Ronan’s ears when he did.

  

__________

 

 

As soon as they pulled into a parking space at the theater, Matthew climbed out of the car with his backpack slung over his shoulder, and Ronan followed. Adam could hear bits of their conversation through the door that was left open a crack.

“Call me if you need anything.”  
“I will.”  
“Make sure you tell Jamie’s parents thank you.”  
“I know.”  
“Let me know what time to come get you tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, I’ll text you.”

Then Ronan was pulling Matthew into a hug. “I love you.”

Before he pulled away, Adam could hear Matthew’s muffled response. “Love you, too, bubby. Merry Christmas.”

Adam suddenly felt like an intruder even though they had left him alone in the car. He had always known that Ronan was different around Matthew, but there was something almost painful about witnessing this private moment between brothers, with Ronan so free and generous with his affection, and Matthew returning it in the same earnest way. Adam nearly identified the brief flicker of feeling in his chest as jealousy and then he promptly felt ashamed of himself for even thinking that way. Of course Ronan and Matthew were close; they were all that was left of a family torn apart by tragedy. Adam knew enough about broken families to know better than to envy one bright spot in a landscape of unspeakable pain. Ronan had worked hard to keep this one piece of happiness and he deserved every bit of it.

After Matthew walked away, Ronan stood alone outside for a moment. When he finally slid back into the driver’s seat, his eyes were red-rimmed and raw. He breathed into his hands and rubbed them together, then hissed, “Fuck, it’s freezing.”

Adam was quiet. He knew what poorly disguised sadness looked like, but he also knew how embarrassing it was when people called you out on your attempts to hide it. He painted on a shit-eating grin and said, “So… Bubby, huh?”

Ronan jabbed his finger at Adam and glared weakly, “Don’t.”

Adam raised his hands in mock defense, but now his mischievous smile was real. “Come on, it’s cute.”

Ronan raised one eyebrow suggestively, “Oh, so first I’m pretty and now I’m cute?”

Adam’s mind short-circuited for a split second, then flashed back to the text conversation where he hadn’t denied it, and to his conversation with a half-asleep Ronan where he had straight up confessed it. So Ronan _did_ remember and now he was going to keep bringing it up. Fantastic.

Adam was beginning to think Ronan enjoyed watching him stumble around for words like an idiot, but he wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction if he could help it. He was going to act normal if it killed him.

He stared back at Ronan with a blank expression and said, “Nope, sorry, the moment passed.”

Ronan let out a laugh, then turned away. After a pause, he quietly said, “He’s been calling me that since he was two.”

The somber Ronan from a moment ago was back just like that, but this time Ronan wore a tired, far-off expression instead of trying to hide it.

All of a sudden, it hit Adam that, while he knew what it was like to spend Christmas unwanted and alone, he had absolutely no idea what it was like to grow up knowing Christmas as a magic-filled time spent with a loving family, and then to have it all ripped away in the blink of an eye.

He shifted in his seat to face Ronan. “You’re a good brother, you know. I can tell you’re trying to make today special for Matthew, and judging from his face a minute ago, I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job.”

Ronan's eyes came back into focus and he shrugged. “I love him, but he’s fifteen. He shouldn’t have to spend Christmas with me when he has Jamie and his family. He’ll actually have fun this way.”

Adam snorted. “You’re telling me he wasn’t having fun stuffing his face with waffles an hour ago? Please.”

A small grin escaped Ronan and he cast a quick glance at Adam. He rubbed a hand across his face like he was trying to wake himself up, and then he said, “Since we’re already here, do you want to see a movie?

 

__________

 

 

 _Since we're already here,_ Adam repeated to himself as he followed Ronan through the short line for tickets, shrugging uselessly when Ronan asked which movie he wanted to see. He repeated it to himself when Ronan came back from the concession stand and shoved a bag of Twizzlers into his arms, and he repeated it to himself when they settled into their seats in the back of an empty theater and Ronan's elbow came to rest next to his on the armrest between them.

It was clear that Ronan hadn’t intended for this to feel like a date, Adam told himself as the opening credits rolled for a movie he didn’t recognize. It had just worked out this way; neither one of them had anyone else to spend the holiday with and they happened to be at the theater already. It only made sense.

What didn’t make sense was the warmth from Ronan’s arm pressing against his. It wasn’t as if Ronan never touched him. In fact, Ronan was free with his casual touches in their normal day-to-day life, always slinging an arm around Adam’s shoulder after school, or knocking his knee against Adam’s in the booth at Nino’s, or the worst, ruffling his hair with a rough hand when he was especially intent on getting under Adam’s skin.

This wasn’t their normal everyday life, though, and Adam thought that Ronan would have known the difference in subtle connotations between casual touches among friends in public, and leaning into the boy next to you when you were alone in a dim theater. But then again, Ronan had never been very good at subtlety.

As if reading his mind, Ronan shifted the bucket of popcorn in his lap and leaned in close to whisper uncalled for commentary in his ear. Adam only shook his head and laughed, hoping desperately that Ronan wouldn’t notice that he hadn’t understood a single word he’d said. He had been too busy trying to control his erratic heartbeat because Ronan had misjudged the distance in the dark and his nose had brushed up against Adam’s ear for a fraction of a second. To make matters worse, when he had leaned back into his seat, he hadn’t leaned back all the way, and now that first small point of contact had spread all the way from their shoulders down to their wrists.

Adam looked around at the empty seats surrounding them and then carefully leaned halfway back into Ronan’s space. He kept his voice at a conversational volume as if to prove a point. “You know we’re the only ones here, right? You don’t have to whisper.”

The big screen suddenly flashed white and bathed their seats in a bright light, breaking the seal between them and the real world. Adam was only beginning to retreat back into his seat when Ronan leaned into him so abruptly that his breathing stopped completely. Caught in the space where their seats met, illuminated perfectly by the light of the movie screen, Ronan’s nose grazed the skin just behind Adam’s ear, and he whispered, quieter than before, “I know.”

Adam froze and all coherent thought was drowned out by his furiously beating heart. The warm, tingling feeling from his arm spread like wildfire through his entire body.

The theater plunged into darkness once more, giving Adam the courage to turn his head and meet Ronan’s gaze.

Ronan was staring at him with another one of his inscrutable expressions, but his face lacked the one thing Adam had expected to see there; teasing. There wasn’t even a hint of a smirk.

_He knows, he has to know… why else…_

Ronan leaned a fraction of an inch closer and reached toward Adam. For a split-second, some distantly functioning part of Adam’s brain wondered if this is what a heart attack felt like, but then Ronan grabbed a handful of Twizzlers from the bag resting on Adam’s lap and leaned away, reclining lazily in his seat as he took a bite.

Adam retreated to the armrest farthest away from Ronan and turned to rest his face in his hand, hoping desperately that his eyes looked focused on whatever movie was still playing on the screen in front of them. He knew his face was bright red just from how warm it felt in his hand. He hoped Ronan couldn’t tell.

A few minutes later, a cautious glance out of the corner of his eye told him that Ronan probably had no idea what had just happened, no idea how he’d affected Adam. He was sprawled out with his feet propped up on the seat in front of him, his hand absentmindedly twirling a single Twizzler around in lazy circles as his eyes never left the screen.  

 

__________

 

 

There was a lot that Adam didn’t understand about Ronan Lynch, but near the top of the list was the way his casual touches never even seemed to register, at least not in the way they did for Adam.

Hours after the movie ended, when they were back in Adam’s apartment playing a card game neither one of them understood completely, Adam still felt strange and off-balance just from the one brief touch they had shared, but Ronan was his normal abrasive self. It was like nothing had happened.

Maybe nothing had.

“Take that, you fucking nerd,” Ronan said as he slapped a card down on the floor between them.

“I _will_ take that, thank you. That’s exactly what I was looking for.” Adam picked the card up and put another down in its place.

Ronan’s brow furrowed as he concentrated on the cards in his hand. Under his breath, he muttered, “Nerd.”

Like this, it was almost easy to forget that a few hours earlier, Ronan had been whispering softly in his ear. Except that whenever Adam thought about it, he could still feel Ronan’s breath on his neck, like it had been seared into his memory.  

As if to save him from slipping into yet another tortured daydream, his phone vibrated in his pocket. When he pulled it out and stared at the screen, Ronan asked, “Gansey?”

Adam blinked at the message a few times and slowly shook his head. He had already exchanged “Merry Christmas” texts with Gansey and the rest of his friends this morning, and this message wasn’t from anyone on his contacts list.

 

 **_unknown_ _:_** _miss seeing u! wish u were here! merrrry christmasss!_

 

A picture loaded slowly underneath the text, and Adam let out a disbelieving laugh.

Ronan looked at him questioningly, and Adam shook his head again. “Tad. I think he’s drunk.”

Ronan hummed knowingly and said, “Ah, your _secret admirer._ ” He laid another card down and went back to rearranging the ones in his hands.

“Ugh, unfortunately,” Adam said as he scanned his cards for his next move. “I hope he forgets about me by the time winter break ends. I never even read his last note.”

Ronan’s eyes snapped up to Adam, curious and confused. “I thought you liked the notes?”

“The notes were great.” Adam flushed a little at the memory of how hopeful he had been in the beginning. “They were actually really sweet. They just lose their appeal when I imagine them coming from a guy who’s currently wearing Santa Claus swim trunks at the beach and drunk texting shirtless selfies.”

Ronan snorted a laugh, then paused and asked, “Wait, seriously?”

Adam set his cards down and stretched his phone out to show Ronan a ridiculous picture of Tad Carruthers sprawled out on a beach towel with a drink in hand, wearing a Santa hat to match his Santa swim trunks.

Ronan let out a disbelieving laugh and stared hard at the picture. “Jesus. Santa shorts? The beach?” He glanced up at Adam as if searching for confirmation that Tad really was as ridiculous as he thought.

“I _know_ ,” Adam agreed with a laugh. After pocketing his phone, he picked up his cards and scanned them until he found what he was looking for, and then he laid down the winning card with a smug smile.  

Ronan let out a string of curses and then challenged him to a rematch.

 

__________

 

 

The next day, Adam had work at the garage, and it passed more slowly than it ever had before. He felt like he was trapped in a slow-motion movie of his life, stuck in the strange in-between of missing his time with Ronan during his last day off and looking forward to his next chance to do the same thing.

At one point during the day, Boyd caught him sneaking glances up at the calendar featuring scantily clad women and shot him a knowing smile. Adam couldn’t think of a way to explain, _I’m not staring at the bikini girls, I’m counting down the days until I get to see the boy I have a massive, stupid crush on_ so he simply smiled back and shrugged.

He was glad he had picked up extra shifts for the week. He knew Ronan was busy with Declan and Matthew for the next few days, and he couldn’t imagine trying to pass the time alone in his apartment until New Year’s Eve. Time still wasn’t moving quickly enough at Boyd’s, but at least it gave him something to do.

When his shift finally ended late that night, he drove home in the dark and tried not to think about the heat slowly leaving his body. All day long he thought about going home, but every night by the time he got to his apartment, he always missed the warmth from working all day in the generously heated garage. Thankfully, tonight he was tired enough from losing sleep the night before and then working a long shift that he knew he would fall asleep easily no matter how cold it got in his room.

As he climbed the stairs to his chilly apartment, his mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of crawling under the covers and drifting off to sleep that he nearly missed the tiny package leaning up against his door.

It was clearly meant to be a Christmas gift, all wrapped up in brown paper and decorated with a small red bow.

When Adam bent down to get a closer look, the familiar handwriting on the tag sent a jolt through his heart. His name was written in the same bold lettering as the second note he’d found in his locker.

He immediately wondered how in the hell Tad Carruthers found out where he lived, and if this was going to be some kind of stalking situation, but then he remembered the text from the previous afternoon.

Without hesitating, he pulled out his phone, opened his conversation with Tad and quickly typed out a message.

 

 **_adam:_ ** _Hey, what beach is that? Are you having a good time?_

 

By the time he unlocked his apartment door and kicked off his shoes, his phone was buzzing with a series of messages.

 

 _ **unknown:** adam!_  
_**unknown:** im in the keyyyys man!_  
_**unknown:** i'm _ _here til new years eve eve_ _if you change your mind and want to come join!! ;)_

 

Adam walked slowly over to his bed and sat, staring at his phone in a daze.

If the gift hadn’t come from Tad, then…

He tossed his phone down on the bed beside him and frantically began unwrapping the small gift. Whoever had wrapped it had used entirely too much wrapping paper and an obscene amount of tape, but when he finally ripped it all away, he was left with a small grey cassette tape.

It was blank on one side but when he turned it over his heart skittered wildly in his chest.

Written on the small label was another message in the messy, sweet handwriting he had grown so fond of before he’d mistakenly attributed it all to Tad.

The only difference now was that the message was written in English.

 

_these are my secrets._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i put together a playlist of songs i can imagine a certain someone listening to while they lay in bed late at night and pine until their chest feels like bursting open. you can listen on [spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/sylmoons/playlist/4TsotgCeNrEvif5W9jQeWR) or [soundcloud.](https://soundcloud.com/sylmoons/sets/secrets) tell me what you think?? :) 
> 
> 2\. i would never have finished this without the help of @admlynch and @paintedpolarbear on tumblr! <3 i added a bunch after they beta'd, so mistakes are mine. 
> 
> 3\. i had originally intended to have this chapter up for christmas and the final chapter posted on new year's eve. then my chronic illness flared up and on top of that i came down with the flu. so please be patient with me while i recover and get to work on the final chapter! i want it to be the best one yet. :)
> 
> 4\. thank you so much for your sweet comments!! you guys put a smile on my face with every single one - i love hearing your reactions/feedback SO MUCH and tbh it blows me away every time somebody thinks my work is worth reading. <3 love you all!


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